As imperfect as other human beings are

I'm not always good with words. Not always capable of smiling, not always bubbly or cheerful. Not always talking like a busy bee. Not always pretending things are fine. There are times I just want my silent moment and cry as loud as I can, cry because people don't understand, cry because I don't understand, cry because things happen, good and bad.  


Sometimes I just want people to understand how I totally feel inside without having to speak a word
Sometimes I just want people to offer a help or concern without me having to request for it
Sometimes I just want people to know the real meaning behind my smiles and tears
Sometimes I just want people to tell me they know how I'm feeling without me dragging with explanations
Sometimes I just want people to know the reason why am I doing the things I am doing
Sometimes I just want people to be there today and still do tomorrow or the day after tomorrow and many more days after that
Sometimes I just want to wake up and go on with my life as though everything is as perfect as before
Sometimes I just comfort myself with words and hide the tears, not because I'm tough, not because I don't feel a single thing, but because I'm learning to be strong...


People come and go, some leave and you might have the chance to bump into them again and say hello, some you will walk past them like they never existed in your life before, but for some, they leave and will never come back, they're gone...


I'm hanging on, keeping you in heart and our memories, it's hard, it really is and this is the first time I'm so proud of myself, I'm proud for learning to be strong...


Daddy, how are you? I miss you, so much :'(

This is it

At some point of life, people just got tired of anything and everything, I guess this is my point. Sadly but yes. I lost my way.

Bitter and sweetness in life

Hello everyone! Okay, i was actually halfway sleeping and I suddenly got an idea on what to blog about, and here I am, blogging this new post with the above title: Bitter and sweetness in life. Before I start off with my post, let me just include some pictures I cam whored yesterday and today inside my hubby's room, using our babymac, and some picture with hubby in it.

Me looking veryyyyy decent with his spec *thumbs up*

Another picture...without being specky :)

And another of me, trying to act cute but failed :(

Here's the decent ME and the not-so decent HIM :)

And the post begin...

This is a picture of us all in 2009 at Phuket, along with two of my bro's girlfriend at that time.

What happens when a family that used to be perfect in everyone's eyes suddenly is imperfect anymore? Not because of betrayals and lies but the loss of the loved one and there's no one or no way you can blame on because it's a part of nature that God has planned? What happens when the person you used to see every morning, every night, in fact, everyday just suddenly isn't there anymore when you thought they will be? What happens when you were so close to this person since you were a kid and that person is always around during your process of growing up, but you suddenly come to realize that he will not be there to watch you grow up, get your job, get married and get kids and watch you grow old? It's heartbreaking. I remembered my friend lost his father few years back and although I know it is tearing him apart, but I do not understand how the pain feels like. Or so I thought. But now I understand. I understand how it hit me so badly. Simply because that person is my dad, the man who brought me to this world, the man who provides me with necessities and education, the man who loves me unconditionally, the man who tells me what is right and wrong, the man who protects me and give me the best, the man who means everything to me and leave my friends telling me how lucky I am or how they envy my family. And today, 5th of August, is his birthday. Up to this point, I still miss him. I constantly think of how it would be like if he is still around, because trust me, losing someone you loved so much is not easy, it is not, and it might just break your heart into pieces but you have to gain all your courage to live and move on again. No one can really understand how it feels, with all the stress that is building up, to think about having him around, about expenses, about the family, about studies, about career, about how to overcome the depression. 

I have this thought ever since he passed away. Existence of spirits. Is it real? I question myself all the time. Sometimes I talk to him in my heart and I wonder can he listen? Sometimes when we ask him to visit us at home, did he really came home? Frankly, it matters. I just want the family to be like how it used to be again. I know he is not around anymore, but I love the idea of him around us. Because this is how great love can be, not boy-girl relationship, but a love from a daughter to her father, and this is why I may talk about him less, but it doesn't mean I miss him any lesser.

I posted this status on my Facebook for him on 26th June : 

DEAR HUBBY'S HEART,

5 days more to our another monthsary. 

I didn't say that our relationship would be easy, but I promise

it would be worth it. Thanks for being mine.

♥ Wifey's heart.

Not a relationship is with no ups and downs, even our relationship. You may be imperfect in everyone's eyes, but it doesn't matter at all because we are all imperfectly beautiful, but always remember, to me, you're perfect, you're perfectly mine and you give me the best relationship that I can find nowhere. I don't need a guy who looks like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt, I don't need a guy who can gives me all branded bags or cash, I don't need a guy who wants to bring me out just so he can show me off to people, I don't need a guy that forces himself to pretend that he loves me dearly, I don't need a guy that try very hard to understand me, I don't need a guy that change himself to suits me or change me to suits him, I don't need a guy that fake all sweetness we have in a relationship, I don't need a guy that betray me and lie to me but come back and pretend everything is alright, all I need is YOU, and I promise you our ride might be rocky, but it will never end. 

Cross roads

It's been a month since my last blog post and I know, maybe people or you readers don't really remember me anymore. Trust me, it's not that I don't want to update on my Facebook page or my blog, but I been through too much and I just need to take some time to get back on track again. And now I'm back :) Although I haven't fully recovered yet, but I'm holding on and be strong, and never in my life I'm as strong as this. So daddy, you must be proud of your girl :)

I finished my internship, started my college, talked to friends, and most of the time I spent it with hubby. He is very supportive and at times when I cry, he will just hug me and listen to me. About modeling life, I'm not sure if I should just call it quit, but under certain circumstances, I have to continue. Studies wise, it's my last semester for diploma in mass communication,  I have to gain all that I have and graduate and proceed to degree. Well, my results ain't bad, for every sem I get a minimum of 3.5 for my CGPA. This is the least that I can do for my beloved daddy. Thanks to everyone who is supporting me all this while, to everyone who still remembers me and view my blog even though I didn't update, to everyone who care for me, to everyone who take Renee Ang as who she is. 

Daddy

Daddy,


You've left,
Leaving us on this Earth,
But worry not,
We will live, and we will live for you,
I questioned God,
Why did he took you away, 
So soon, so sudden,
But I know this is all fated to be,
Let the tears wash away,
All the pain that caused by your death,
All that live must die,
We are all no exception,
It's just a matter of time,
You left now, and we will all follow, 
When our time has arrived,
God took you with him first,
And keep you beside,
You're in a better place now,
As much as it's hard to believe and let go.

I wrote a book of you and us,
With words, pictures and tears,
Each and every word is memories of us family together,
And one day, I shall read it to my kids,
To show how strong their grandpa was,
And how we all learn from you,
Although you weren't here to witness,
But from above, I know you're smiling at us,
And keeping an eye on us,
Daddy,
Worry not,
Just rest in peace with no worries,
Like how God want you to be,
Although you're gone,
But in our heart, 
You stay,
Now and forever.


Sincerely,
Your daughter

Helpless

Too tired of dropping tears for nights before sleep, I pray for all things to be fine again, sincerely...

I see myself as imperfect

Too many things these days, too much to bear and handle, physically and emotionally, I guess I've been through too much, in this one week time...and I'm feeling so fragile now, so weak, as if I have no energy left, and it's just a body with no soul...


Daddy,
I look at you and I recalled of too many things, I'm so worried on the inside. The other day when you were admitted to the hospital, I wasn't as worried as I am now, but then you was admitted to ICU, and that was when I feel so afraid. Things got worse when you have to undergo an operation, and it's today. Not being able to be there this morning, I cried and I feel so useless, I can't to anything at all but just sit down and pray and tell myself to hang on, because you need all our support. Our family been through too much this year and I'm helpless, but now we are all standing strong. Yet, you're on the bed now. I thought after this operation tat doctor say it has only 5 to 10% percentage of success and you'll be fine. But I was wrong, very wrong. You have few more to go, and one of it, there's no percentage of success at all. I just don't know what to do anymore. We all care for you, mummy care the most, she told me, she comforted you this morning that everything will be fine, but she was worried inside. Please, I beg you, please be alright. We want you to hang on, we want you to be strong. This is all too sudden for us, smiling and laughing on the outside but each time I look at you and I control my tears. I don't want this years Father's Day to be the last that we spent together, I want to still jokes around with you and eat durian with you, I want you in my life, I need you! 24 more hours till you pass this critical situation, and get ready for new one. We all pray for you, so you have to be strong. I know you're not gonna read this, but be strong. Because your daughter, me, is learning from you how to be strong too. 


I'm a strong girl wannabe, I'm never strong, I cry easily, I'm imperfect, and just now, I did something imperfect, something that I normally wouldn't do, but all I want now is to be able to talk and be with you, only you, no one else, yet, I heard the most hurtful words, anyway, sorry to YOU. You know who you are.